Good old Gary Lising

(The following was copied without permission from the souvenir progamme of the "The Fabans & Friends - A Grand Reunion!" concert in Manila sometime 1996.)

My name is Gary Lising. Secretary of Health Juan Flavier once said that I have a very nice name -- for a disease.

I was voted as the sex symbol of Assumption College because according to them, I am the only entertainer that looks like a sex organ.

I was already a celebrity even when I was a baby. I weighed 48 pounds when I was born -- but weighed only 3 pounds after I was circumcised. I was the only abortion that lived.

I was such an ugly baby. My mother only puts the negatives of my pictures in our family album.

I was a very thin baby because I was a breastfed baby -- I was breastfed by my father.

I grew up to be a boy wonder -- everybody always looked at me and wondered.

I studied at the Ateneo de Manila where I took up B.S. Economics. That explains why up to now I still am poor as ever.

I went to the United States where I put up my own business that went bankrupt. My business was selling PX goods.

I lived in the penthouse of a 50 story building. My rent was only 200 dollars a month. It was very cheap because it was walkup -- no elevator.

I was drafted by the U.S. Army but I got exempted because of my religion -- I am a devout coward.

I came back to the Philippines because I miss the brownouts. We should be proud of this fact because in the U.S. they don't have brownouts. We are the only country that has it.

Another thing to be proud of is the merging of Erap Estrada's "PACC" with Gringo Honasan's "YOU" -- it would be known as "PACC YOU".

My father is Dr. Jose Lising, a bisexual -- every time he sees sex he buys it.

My mother Nieva Lising is a very religious woman -- she is a nun.

My parents are in the iron and steel business. My mother irons and my father steals.

I am married to Maris Paredes who up to now believes that love is really blind. I also have a son, Bugsy, he's only five years old and he already knows how to be ashamed of me.

I am also a firm believer in a lot of very serious facts of life. Let me share with you a few meaningful facts that I believe in:

I BELIEVE...that if you read too much about the bad effects of smoking -- give up reading.

I BELIEVE...that you should never make love with your eyes unless you are cockeyed.

I BELIEVE...Dick Gordon when he said that women should be put up in a pedestal -- high enough so you could look up their dresses.

I BELIEVE...Baby Boy Poblador when he said that women are the foundation of our society. I also believe him when he said that men are the ones who laid the foundation.

I BELIEVE...Lolit Solis when she said that Mayor Lim was her former boyfriend.

I BELIEVE...Mari Mar when she cried -- I saw tears running down her legs.

I BELIEVE...that Fr. Donelan will outlive us all.

I BELIEVE...IN GOD, THE FATHER ALMIGHTY, AND THAT EVENTUALLY WE WILL HAVE PEACE AND HAPPINESS BECAUSE OF OUR FAITH IN HIM.

GARY LISING, S.J.*

Are you a Math Genius????

Manny's Poor Side

I just want to share this Picture!

(No offense to Manny)

Divorced Letter

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night.
You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me. Whichever is the case,,,,I'm gone.

Signed,

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life!
------------

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a 'good man' is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. It's just too bad it doesn't work.

Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last week,,,and actually the first thing that came to my mind was "You look just like a girl",,, but my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99...

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you've always wanted.

My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my sister 'Carla',,,was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem for you.

When Grandma Goes To Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-seventh birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.” The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” So I felt a little better; that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “You know, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.” We went to lunch and didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had a couple of martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't really need to go back to the office, do we?”
I said, “No, I guess not.” Then She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.” “Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and about 5 minutes later, came out carrying a big birthday cake, Followed by my wife..... children and several of our friends.
And Yup.........All were singing.........Ha

“HaPPy Birthday”

And there I sat ...NaKeD... on the couch .... bullshit secretary

Horton Review

After watching the film, I found out why: This movie has miraculous powers!

It can remove all the hardness on people’s heart and can make them feel young again and laugh their hearts out at the same time.

No wonder “Horton” is on top of the box-office charts for a second straight weekend in America alone with $25.1 million, according to studio estimates. Featuring the voices of Jim Carrey and Steve Carell, the movie raised its 10-day total to $85.5 million.

“Horton” fended off a rush of new movies opening over Easter weekend.

“A person’s a person, no matter how small,” that’s the quote from the movie as spoken by Horton the Elephant – a simple yet eye-popping truism that could be the rallying cry of all oppressed peoples in the world.

I thoroughly agree with movie reviewer Rebecca Murray who said that “Horton” is not only hugely entertaining and brilliantly voiced, it also “works its way into the hearts of its audience – and age simply doesn’t matter.”

“The classic Dr Seuss tale springs to life on the big screen using a color palette so vibrant you may feel the urge to don a pair of shades. Although the animation itself isn’t groundbreaking in its technique, it is perfectly in keeping with the tone and style of Dr Seuss’ work,” Murray said.

Jim Carrey provides the voice for Horton, a goofy elephant with a bubbly personality. He matches wits with Kangaroo (voiced by Carol Burnett), a woman who doesn’t believe Horton’s story that small people live inside the speck clinging to a flower he holds.

Horton’s mission is to find a safe place for the small people of Whoville who lives inside the speck. Whoville is led by the Mayor (voiced by Steve Carell), who has 96 daughters and a single son.

I wouldn’t reveal to you how the story unfolds since I don’t want to take out the element of surprise. You just go out there and enjoy the movie with your children, your mate or whoever you feel like sharing some laughs with.

I guarantee more than a hour of sheer delight and fun – and bonding with your loved ones at the same time.